I know a lot of you guys have been wondering what's been going on with me lately, and why I haven't been uploading any artwork. Well, to make things clear, I am having a total breakdown in my life right now. I feel like I am absolutely losing my mind and my control on everything. This past month (June) has been the worst I have personally ever had to endure. I simply can't take anymore of this. To fill you in on the story and why I feel the way I do, I will explain it as short and as simple as I possibly can. Here goes...

It all started at the first of the month in June, I had my horse G-Money boarded at that ranch where the people treated us like crap and my horse too. We (me and my mom) got into a fuss with the owner of the ranch (she is only 26 years old) and we had nowhere else to take my horse, there are and were no other options left for us. By chance that evening after we left Angela's place (the 26yr ranch owner girl) we were lost feeling, hopeless, and just plain hurt at how we were just treated by Angela, we decided to pull down a street that we knew had people that had stables and horses. Perhaps someone would either take my horse in to board, or know of someone that would. Sure enough there was some people standing out on the side of the road walking their horse and talking. We asked them if they knew of anyone, and the lady standing the furthest away from us spoke up and said she would take him in as a pasture boarded horse. So even longer story made short, she (Penny, the lady who now has my horse) is crazy and believes that horses can talk and so on. I mean, that's fine and all, but her horses tore my horse up, and now he has a three foot long gash down his back thanks to her stupid nags. She is one of those animal loving fanatics that believe God will just take care of their "emotions" and such, and she is doing nothing about her horses attacking my own horse. So I told her to move him to a pasture by himself. She acted like it made her mad and all, but it is my horse.
She is trying to take him over, which really pisses me off. She in the beginning started feeding him treats without my consent, and he began nibbling and biting, which made me even more mad. I told her not to feed him treats, and she still keeps on asking me of different possible ways that she could feed him treats, and I keep telling her that in no shape, way or form may she feed him treats. If I wanted my damn horse messed with I would have paid $300 for a freaking full board place. I don't want him being messed with because everyone does everything wrong when it comes to my stupid horse. I have him trained not to bend his head down to eat grass when he is being led around, and when she "leads" him around to hose him off (Which I have asked her not to do because that is my job and not hers) she lets him eat grass, so now every freaking time I go to lead him he stops and eats grass and almost knocks me over just to do so. I feel like I am just plain losing control of the entire situation. I can't tell this woman anything otherwise she will get mad.
The other day when I moved my horse to a separate pasture away from her rabid horses, she called me on the phone while me and my mother were at a store buying dog food after we had left her place, and she chewed me out for not getting my horse fresh water. Look guys, my theory is: "If I will personally drink it, then it is clean enough for my horse." And listen to what she told me: "I thought you loved your horse. For someone who 'claims' they care about their horse, you sure don't act like it." Oh man, I was furious, but yet again, me having to act like a little puppet on a string, I just remained quiet.
We went back to her house right after that phone call so we could "talk" it out. But it only got worse, and then right after she started a fuss, she said "no hard feelings, right?" Ha, I replied with "sure, sure." What a bitch! She is simply crazy. But that really isn't the whole deal, what is the deal, is the fact that I need to move my horse away from her crazy ass, but I have not one place to take him. Not one boarding stable, not one person to help us, nothing. My mother says that she can't take anymore of this "horse situation," but think how I feel, I am having my poor horse having to be in this terrible situation, and my best friend in the entire world who is my mother, feeling like she is at the end of her rope. What happens when you've been living in a dream but now it's time to wake up?

I have been thinking seriously about getting rid of G, I truly have no other options from here. My mother says that she can't let me do that, but what else can I do? I am sitting on a ticking time-bomb if I let him stay where he is at right now. It's only a matter of time before something bad happens. If I do sell him, I will lose my mind because he is all I have. I would lose everything. My hopes, my dreams, my future, and my life. Without him, I am nothing. I would stop writing my stories, because he was my inspiration. I would stop drawing, because he is what I drew. I would stop dreaming, because he was my dream. So what to do..What to do...

I get out of one problem and it turns into an even greater problem with worse outcomes. I can't eat because I always feel like I am going to throw up from all the stress. I am losing weight from not eating. I am not sleeping at nights and I wake up feeling tired and sick. My face looks horrible from the dark circles under my eyes from lack of sleep. I can't think clearly from all the stress. I am tired of searching but always turning up with no answers. To be honest, I have not drawn even the first lineart, much less colored one that I have drawn. I am very worried about myself, and for the first time in my life I can actually say that I don't know what will happen to me from here. People say "oh you'll be fine." yeah, perhaps while I am sane. And to make matters worse, I feel like I am killing my mother will all the stress from this horse situation, it's not healthy for her heart to keep on worrying like she is. It's not fair to her anymore. And I feel the easiest and the best thing to do is to get rid of G. It will solve everyone's problems but mine, but that is a sacrifice I am more than willing to make for my mother, she means more to me than G ever will and would. My mother is my life, and yet so is he. So I really don't know what to honestly say. I feel dead. I wish you guys could see how horrible my face looks, it's drawn, my eyes look dull and dark under my eyes. Even when I stand up you can tell that I am just not me anymore. Something has happened to me mentally and I feel that if this ends badly, and I lose him, that will be it for me.

It's pretty bad when I can't even think clearly enough to write that Cheetah/Hyena story I told you guys about. And just think, it has nothing to do with horses, and I still can't even begin to write it. Crazy, huh?

I don't mean to go off dumping all of this out, but I feel you guys deserve to know. I know several of you have been worried, and I appreciate it. I am just worried that time isn't what's going to help me this time. I can only hope things will be alright. It's pretty bad when my own mother asked me "what are we going to do?" Now that is a scary feeling for a grown person to ask a sixteen year old what are we going to do.

I don't know where I will go from here or what I will even do, but all I know that must be done is to keep searching and try to find another place for him to be boarded at. That's all I know.
I appreciate you guys always supporting me in whatever I chose or do. I haven't written this journal for anyone's sympathy, I just wanted you all to know what's going on with me. And I hope that you can either relate to my story or at least understand how I feel. Some might say "overacting," but you wouldn't know my situation unless you were there and have seen and heard the things that I have. It's just chaotic. Really.
Like I said, this isn't even the brunt of the whole situation, there is a lot more, but I am just too tired and too sick to keep on typing. I feel by typing it all out, I am just reliving the whole situation all over again. NOT GOOD!

And NO this is not one of those "leaving DA" journals, this is just a "typing my feelings" journal.
-Pain

P.S. And yes, this situation has totally NOT helped my hot temper any, I am constantly ready to blow. And right now Penny is on my target list...

P.P.S. If you or anyone you know of that lives in Texas near the Porter, New Caney or even mid Splendora, that might board my horse please let me know. Even the Spring area would be alright or somewhere close to North Houston. Thank you.

P.P.P.S If it wasn't for this stupid, yet freaking awesome dragon cave whatever game I think I would have lost it by now, it has given me a reason to even log on so I can see if they hatched or even cracked a little. You guyes should play that game if you don't already.
|Eggs|

|Hatchlings|